Archive | October 2015

HOW TO KILL A SPIDER CRAWLING ON THE FLOOR

Disclaimer:   This is an example of Arachniphobic activity which is admittedly despicable.  It is not meant to encourage others to engage in similar activity.

HOW TO KILL A SPIDER CRAWLING ON THE FLOOR

Gasp loudly
Shoo away excited cat
Quickly run get three-four paper towels
Stand back with the hand holding paper towel extended well in front of you
Watch spider run into the crack in the woodwork
Kick the woodwork
When spider runs out, drop the paper towel and stamp it with your foot
Mash it left and right
Carefully gather up paper towel, squishing it together
DO NOT OPEN PAPER TOWEL FOR A LOOK SEE
Hold the tightly scrunched paper towel arms length in front of you as you take it to the trash
Drop it into the trash bag
Quickly tie off trash bag
Carry it outside to the garbage can outside

Scrub spot on floor with Windex
Spray Raid along woodwork

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PRAYER BEFORE BED

Thank you for this day, Lord. For the cool air, the last of the squashes on the vine, the fried chicken from King Soopers. Bless my darlin’ daughter and her kidlets, and all my family and friends. Remind them they are important people. Heal the sadness in the hearts of friends who have lost loved ones these past couple weeks, and take the worry from the hearts of those facing decisions about how to deal with recent diagnoses. Take the angst from the hearts and minds of those living with dementia. Save this nation from stupidity, arrogance, stubborness. Thank you for a good night’s sleep, and letting me awaken to good things in the coming week.
Amen

SPIDER ATTACK

HOW TO KILL A BLACK WIDOW SPIDER IN A GLASS IN THE SINK using only those things immediately available…

Scream, then mutter, mutter, mutter through the next seven steps
(“damn it, just stay out of my house…why do you have to come into my house…you’re only going to die if you come into my house…if you’d stayed out of my house, I wouldn’t be doing this to you…”)

FIRST, a long spray of  extra crisp spray starch, check for movement…I see twitching…
Pour a liberal dose of Pinesol
Can’t find the RAID?
THEN, a large splash of Clorox
THEN, fill the glass with water…check to see if the spider is floating on top…
NOT FLOATING?
pour the contents of the glass down the disposal
turn on the disposal, run for 30 seconds
run HOT water down the drain…
double check that the spider has not jumped onto the counter top
SHUDDER violently
shoo away the Catt who has sat placidly watching…

watch the sink for the next three days for signs of spider activity

EMIL CATT’S BOUNTY aka They Now Have Names

He brought another mouse (Fat)
into the house
and like the other (Speedy)
a few days back
it ran straight to the bookshelf
to hide
except this one was fatter
so it could not squeeze
between the books
and it could not run
very fast
so I grabbed a plastic bucket
turned upside down to capture it
then slid the bucket to the door
lifted it
but Fat would not go out
so I tricked it back into the bucket
then flung it
out
where it stayed
in the grass
while Emil yowled

rJo Herman 10/3/15